another birthday

it's my birthday.. doesn't feel like it. i remember my grandma giving me a lecture about how birthdays are only a big thing when you're younger. i told amal she said that when i lived at the apartment before this one and she said, "AW.. THAT'S NOT TRUE!" i'm pretty sure my grandma said that so i wouldn't be so disappointed with people not paying attention to me. i'd be happier if people would assist me in SAFELY moving to where i can be truly happy and constructive with my life (looking like a rehabilitation tool is NOT a constructive life.. especially when i already attended that useless place which is only concerned about keeping their clients there- so they can actually appear "helpful" and wtf else they're trying to do by only letting their clients work on a stationary machine where they push and pull their hands and push and pull some bars on each side with their arms- NOT working on balance or strength to walk- which is the ONLY reason i wasted my time there. every time i had an appointment there, they'd ask me what i wanted to work on and i'd say, "walking." every damn day i attended that waste of time. my grandma actually listened to my complaints and seen what i was talking about and found tram holloway, who hooked me up to his arp machine and actually allowed me and helped me to get my ass outta my wheelchair without bitching about liability or wtf). i'm not sure if they just chose to pick that excuse because they might have somehow found out about how i got money from my car accident (bitch about how you think it was MY fault and how i shouldn't have got into the car or wtf bullshit his smart ass sister is saying but let me remind you- I did NOT force him to drink the beer- i didn't even offer it and i was SOBER during the accident which caused me to get more fucked up because i didn't have beer to paralyze my immune system unlike tim.. I KNOW BECAUSE I LEARNED ABOUT IT DURING MY MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING VICTIM IMPACT PANELS- so you can say wtf you wanna say to excuse his stupidity, flying monkey, me and tim went through this already and i'm AWARE THAT PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES AND NOBODY IS PERFECT- mind your fuckin business, i know this may be hard for your flying monkey ass to understand but your brother is an ADULT who is fully capable of making his OWN decisions, people make mistakes sometimes but it doesn't mean they should be fucked their whole lives and let their little sister make decisions for him/influence his decisions in life). i was thinking about how i'll be asked if i wanna drink tonight- i was also thinking about this time when douglas brought this one girl (i don't remember her name) he called his "home girl" and she was drunk as hell- she was falling all over and speaking crazy, with mixed/slurred speech. douglas didn't really do much to help her (i didn't think so anyway.. although i'm not sure what i expected him to do), he sat her down (i think on my floor next to my ottoman or pillow and let her sleep there), so i'm almost positive if i get drunk- he won't really help me either.. so that doesn't make me wanna drink- especially NOT get drunk. to tell you the truth- i can't remember a time where i've actually been drunk in my life. i've had a few sips of douglas' booze every now and then but never drunk that i remember. that'll probably be the case tonight. hopefully i don't get tired because i don't think concerta was in my anodyne machine this morning.. so i might just have to run on adrenaline- hopefully i don't seizure up. i haven't had one in over 15 years.. so i SHOULD be alright. i still take anti-seizure pills (just not as big of a dose as i used to have). i'm not sure if there's something i can drink for energy. i also am going to sabathani later- so at least i have something to do during the day. i have a skirt on that i bought a few weeks ago, i don't know if i should wear it to the strip club- although, if i slipped on some pants before i went to the strip club- i'm afraid people might assume i'm a butch since i'm wearing pants in a club and i'm female? i don't remember ever going to a club and i don't remember what people typically wear. i hope everything goes okay tonight though.